trapped in a spiders web

On Feeling Trapped

Time: 22:26
31 January 2020
At Home, Fife

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Quote of the day

“Change your perception of things and you will change your reality.” – Anon

I am grateful for:

My EU friend with whom I had coffee today – for being patient enough when I ran late, for the scintillating conversation, the invite to go to soft play that I accepted (which meant Little Son had a fab time running around with EU friend’s son) and for cheering me up.

I greatly appreciate it.

What did I discover new about myself?

That the swirls of negative feelings within me has a great deal to do with feeling trapped.

I feel trapped because of our money situation.

And I also feel trapped because of my visa situation.

Those are the two things that are impacting me greatly right now and it’s such a struggle for me to remain positive, remain focused on the vision rather than current reality (as Jack Canfield recommends), remain in the zone.

Sometimes, I feel suffocated.

I feel like this thick fog will never lift, the dark tunnel keeps getting longer, its light ever-shrinking.

“When will this end?” is a question I find myself asking over and over again.

And the answer is something I actually already know: It will end soon.

My visa situation will end in March 2020 and once that’s done, so will my money situation.

So, I know I shouldn’t complain.

But I do need to vent because the truth is I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of feeling as if I’m a second-class citizen.

I’m tired of having to explain that yes, my visa expires in 2 months but I’m then eligible to apply for a permanent residency and after that a citizenship so there’s minimal risk in hiring me.

I”m tired of having to prove myself to other people, when in reality, the only person whose opinion matters is myself.

I’m just plain tired and I can’t wait for this whole episode to be over. And this is what it really is – an episode.

But thankfully, I’ve managed to create for myself not just a new home but a new family and new friends.

I do have a life here and it’s wonderful.

The people I’ve met have showered me with kindness (not all, of course, but most)

I’m really quite blessed.

Why have I never seen that before?

Funny how I’d all but forgotten most of my tools and my positivity since I embarked on this journey of moving to Scotland.

Oh, sometimes, I’d remember but most of the time, I seem to have forgotten.

The cultivation of an attitude of gratitude certainly is one of them.

When I focus on lack, it really makes everything seem awful.

But when I focus on these lovely things and people I have in my life, suddenly my life is filled with light and possibilities.

Amazing how perception can change everything!

What was the best thing that happened to me today?

 Meeting with my EU friend for a cup of coffee at my favourite Tim Horton’s, where I ordered a veggie sausage muffin meal with American French latte.

Amazing food and equally amazing company! 🙂

What or who made today unforgettable?

Brexit day today.

I am both angry and anxious.

But mostly angry.

I’m angry that it was put to the vote in the first place, that there are people who didn’t vote because “nothing ever changes anyway” and that people actually think this would be a good idea.

Personally, I can only hope for Scexit to happen and soon – although that would be a lot of hard work too.

But freedom is priceless and well worth the price.

3 amazing things that happened today

1. Coffee conversation with my friend.

2. Impromptu play date, where I saw LS hugging his friend and just overall having a fun time running around for two hours.

3. A beautiful day filled with laughter. 

How much stress did I experience?

I did experience a bit of stress when I was dropping my son off at nursery.

He absolutely refused to go and started clinging and crying and saying he wasn’t going because his best friend R wasn’t there (he was sick with fever).

I’m not entirely sure what happened as he’s never done that before but there you go.

Luckily, I heard him screaming just before I left and I went back to see him knocking at the glass door, begging me to help him.

The keyworkers were so confused (as was I) since he’s never done that before.

After a lot of cuddles and reminding him that his other friends were there, he eventually went inside on his own and played with the other kids.

The keyworkers reported that he was fine afterwards.

Thankfully – because it stresses me out when he’s unhappy.

Did I do something that was out my comfort zone?

Yes, I took LS on an impromptu playdate at a soft play and had a fab time. 🙂

By the end of the day, I didn’t feel so trapped anymore.

What can I do better tomorrow?

Really focus on housework and my blog tomorrow as I’m going to have a very busy weekend.